Hands trembling, I carefully tore open the letter. My mouth felt like someone had shoved the cotton wad from the top of the pill bottle inside. The outside cover of the letter read, “Auburn University School of Veterinary Medicine”. What would it say? Did I get in? I was preparing myself for disappointment. Funny how we start to scan letters for the parts. You start to look for key words like “sorry”, “regret”, and “cannot”. Where were those words? What I read was “happy”, “inform”, and “accepted”. My knees buckled and I fell to them in partial prayer and euphoric disbelief. “I was going to Auburn’s School of Veterinary Medicine! I was going to Auburn’s School of Veterinary Medicine”!!! (repeat several times) Shock and awe.
Funny how things change. Or maybe not. What was also in the letter was a contingency clause. My responsibility now was to finish out the current set of classes and maintain a “C”. Pretty easy. I had been making A’s and B’s for quite some time in some grueling classes. My strategy had worked and there was only one pesky class to get through, Organic Chemistry 2. Not my strong suit, I had saved it for the final term so that a C would not hurt my GPA.
Everything was falling into place except for Organic Chemistry. I simply did not understand it and could not memorize it. Labs went well but the class work was beyond tough. I was also in a few extracurricular leadership roles and could not dedicate full attention to my class. Hindsight says I should have made a shift when I realized my predicament.
The quarter was turning into a disaster. We only had two tests and a final in the class. One test I had failed, the other I scored a “D”. The class average was a “D”. It seemed only the Chemical Engineering students were grasping the concepts. As the quarter loomed on, I became panicky and desperate. My prayer life increased for sure and I found myself pleading for God to rescue me from this chemical nightmare. As the days before our final exam solemnly approached our professor threw us a life line. If our grades were not good, whatever we made on the final could serve as our final grade! This was like divine magic. I studied, crammed, prayed, hoped, and everything in between. I reminded God of all the great missionary work I was going to do as a veterinarian and the very vision He had placed upon my heart.
After taking the test, I was hopefully optimistic. I felt like I had actually done ok. At least “C” level work and maybe just pulled it out. The thing about these Chemistry tests is that they contained complex structures; like complicated quadratic equations on steroids. Meaning that you received credit for how you worked out the problem and showed your work. One question could be worth 15-20 points.
My optimism was shattered. The disappointment of defeat tasted like acid reflux. There had been one question that really stumped me. And that one question was my demise. It was one question that if answered correctly would have resulted in a “C” on my final exam. I went to the professor and laid out my situation, pleaded with him with tears leaking down my face. He even admitted that very few got the question correct. He would not throw it out.
My advisor was distraught. He was angry. Partially because there was competition for Chemical Engineering students in the Pre-Vet major to get slots in vet school. I was in the Animal Science Pre-Vet. My losing a slot might potentially open for someone else. My advisor was advocating for me at other levels. A summer class was not available for me to try to retake the class. When the reality sunk in, that I was losing the slot in Auburn’s School of Veterinarian Medicine, it was one of the worst feelings of shame, defeat, and embarrassment I had ever felt. I had to tell my family, my friends, my colleagues…and then the confusion and betrayal. Had God tricked me? Had He set me on this grueling path only to not help me see it through? Had I not heard correctly? These thoughts, fears, insecurities and anger coursed through me. But alas, I had no time to process. Although losing my slot at vet school, I had been awarded a slot to attend Officer Candidate School (OCS) and was to start that June.
What do we do with defeat? What do we do with disappointment especially when we feel we have been called to something; when the plan and path seem so clear? How does failure move us forward?
I’ll share with you those next steps next week but for now, I invite you to just sit with the emotions we feel when defeat and failure come. Most of us have experienced this in some way. A relationship that went sour, a career opportunity like mine that disappeared, a business going bust, an accident or illness that steals the dream away. Maybe you have a friend or loved one in a difficult situation that just may need your listening ear and support.
So, I leave you with this, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned, the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior”. Isaiah 43:2-3. God is with us. There is new light in the morning.
Grace and peace,
Lisa
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